Dear Readers,
Later again that night, Gregg and I laid at both ends of the couch, both of us awake.
I said hey, asking him if he was awake and he said yeah.
I asked him if he knew why I beat down Andy Cullen 6 years ago. He said that back then I said I went all crazy, but that he guessed it wasn't really a reason. I said I was playing that game where you dated ghosts. He said he remembered it, that it had a hot skeleton named Allister or something. I laughed a little, saying he was crushing hard on those bones! I said I was playing it 24-7 until this one afternoon and suddenly, something broke and it was all pixels.
He asked me if I was talking about my computer breaking and I said no, that it was reality that broke. I said I felt like I knew the characters onscreen. They weren't people anymore though — they were just shapes. Just shapes and their lines were just things that someone had written. They never existed and they never had feelings and they never would exist, either. It felt so sad to me that I had lost these real people, and this whole thing we had together was just... me. Alone. I said that realisation dumped out of the screen and into real life. I went outside and the tree out front was like a friend outside the window but now was just a thing. Just a thing that was there. Just a thing that was growing and eating and a thing that was just being there. It was like all the stuff I felt about the tree was just in my head. There was some guy walking by and to me he was just shapes; just a moving bulk of stuff.
On seeing this I cried because nothing was there for me anymore. This was all just stuff. Just stuff in the universe... just dead.
Gregg finally asked me why I didn't tell him and I said I didn't know. What could I have said?
I went on to say this all happened the day before that softball game. Gregg said he was there in the stands and watched me do it and he was so scared for me. I said when Andy stepped up it was like he was just shapes and just had lines someone wrote and had nothing in there. I said I was so scared and angry and before I knew it I was on top of him, smashing his face in with the bat. Just shapes to me, red shapes all over the grass.
Gregg said there wasn't that much blood and I just said gosh I made him bleed all over the place. I wondered if he wondered why and what did he do to to have something like this happen to him. Gregg said he was probably a butthole. I said no, as neither of us knew him.
Gregg then said that was when I had to go to therapy. I said yeah, mentioning Dr. Hank and his journalling. Gregg said Dr. Hank had messed up one of his tooth fillings. I said yeah and that Dr. Hank wasn't good at what he did. I guess it was understandable though, as he likes everything. I guess he spreads himself too thinly.
Gregg then asked about my journal stuff and if it actually works. I said kinda? sorta?, saying it helped me grab onto things and keep them in one place. He said whoa...
I then said ever since that whole thing happened back then, whenever I'm alone in a new place, it's all shapes, like back at the softball game. I then said I was doing fine at college for a while. Gregg then jumped in with saying college was for losers. I was like dude, trying to bring him back and asked him to listen. He said sorry, dude and I went on...
I said I couldn't make friends at college. I said I was just afraid of being outside or around people alone. There was also this statue of the founder or something, a really bad one that was all rusty metal. It was all shapes and pointing down at me. I felt so scared I didn't leave my dorm room. I either didn't eat or I ate entire pizzas at once. I downed cough medicine just to sleep all the time. Gregg was like dude... and I continued, saying I finally got up the courage to leave. I then came home, where everything was fine, where I knew everyone and it wasn't just dead shapes, watching me. Gregg was like geez dude... and I said something broke. In my head. In my life.
Gregg then said I should've called him! He said they could have come and rescued me. They would've like, kidnapped me. I said I couldn't call home either and I couldn't even talk to anyone. I didn't even know why I couldn't. I didn't even come home for Longest Night. I just stayed in my room, in bed. He said that was horrible, dude.
I then said I thought when I came home I just felt so safe here and everything made sense for a few days and then all this happened. And then... and then... Gregg then said shhhh and that I was gonna be ok.
I told Gregg I felt so scared :( and he said he knew. He said we were all freaked out right now and that I needed to sleep.
He closed his eyes and said he'd be here all night. I made several ellipses and said I... but Gregg was fast asleep already...
Some time later I wasn't on the couch with Gregg anymore. He was sleeping. I looked at him from the front door and said bye guys. Love you.
The next mini title came up. It read "the hole in the center of everything".
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