138 night in the woods - confronting kate

Dear Readers,

I went to the church and saw Pastor Kate having another meeting with the town council.

I caught the tail end of their discussion. The council said there were children here and this was a historic site. Pastor Kate said it was half empty and they said that was her problem. She said the population drain in this region meant that this place will never be full again, that they had the space and people who need space; in other words, they have resources and poverty right here and now. The council said their priority was to bring businesses into town because that meant jobs and that meant people and having a "half-dead church stacked full of bums..." and after that there was a pause. I'm not sure if that was because I was there or if Pastor Kate just wanted to stop the way the discussion was going in general. They thanked each other for their time... there was a bit of an awkward pause too, but at least one of them said that she had a good heart. The council left then.

I chatted with Pastor Kate, who was having a stressful day. I asked if this was about Bruce and she said it was or is. She said it was out of our hands now but there were better hands than hers. She changed the subject and asked how I was. I said "eh" and "eeeeeeeehhh"! She said it sounds serious and I said I guess. I told her things had been rough lately. She could see it and asked what the trouble was.

For a moment with the Bruce stuff I forgot my own troubles...

I told her I think I met god. She said what? and I said "It was a dream", but god talks to us that way, right? She said sure and asked if I could tell her about it. I said "I was in this desert" and that all I could see that was left of the world was bits of wood and sand. I was going through it but I was drawn to something. I went over this hill of sand and asked what it was called and she said it was a dune. I said there was god, just sitting there up on another dune. She asked if he was just hanging' out and I said yeah, that it seemed like they were really into just hanging out. She asked if they said anything and I said yeah. I said "They like, didn't care" and she asked if I meant they didn't care I was there and I said no, that they didn't care in general. They went on and on about how annoyed they were, that people kept coming to them with questions and annoyed that anyone thought they were god to begin with. She said in that case she didn't think it was god. I asked her why and she said if something tells you it isn't god you should probably believe it. I said no and that I meant that the thing we called god wasn't god; it was just a thing and it didn't care. They kept talking about "How nothing matters", like the universe was ending and everything was being forgotten. She said that sounded very lonely and asked if I had been feeling lonely lately. I said "Yes." and that I had this problem when I was in high school and I did something really bad that she probably heard about. She said mom mentioned it and I said I figured.

I went on, saying there was this deep loneliness that had been there for years, just a very long time. She said she'd been there but also how she's there all the time. She said that she thinks where if we opened ourselves up, god can enter our lives most effectively. I said "I guess" and she said sometimes that's the best you've got. I said yeah but also kinda paused. She said she felt that maybe wasn't a good enough answer for me and I asked if that was a good enough answer for anyone. Shen then said faith was a process, that you have to keep getting up and choosing to go on.

I asked her if she really thought there was a god, like literally someone up there listening and if that was something she completely believed. She hummed and said she didn't know, that on her best days she thinks she does, but there were times where she didn't. Then I brought up the fact that she stood up there every Sunday and told people she did, and even then she wasn't sure when it was her job to believe. She then said it was more her job to serve others. I then said she was lying to people and she asked how. I told her she stood up there and told people to believe in something she didn't 100% believe in herself. She said maybe I was right and that maybe she should get up there every week and give some sort of belief tally on how much she believed, but then who would that help? I pressed on, saying she was a pastor and she couldn't tell me whether or not god was up there, whether anyone was watching, anyone who gave a darn.

She was about to say something else but I kept going. My eyes got bigger and I got more serious. I asked what was the point of her and then there was this awkward pause between us. I said I had to go.

Poor Kate... I gave her an awful doing and she was just after talking with the town council.

I went back out to mom who asked if I was still having headaches. I said yeah but that being out and about helped. She thanked me for visiting her and said it brightens her day :) Aw! I said it felt weird being here today with so much empty space here. She said to come on Sunday as it was full then. I said I bet it was. We said bye, calling each other "mommers" "dotters". Aww :)